The view from the deck

From the top deck I could see down below. People dancing in that lit darkness, happy, laughing, their eyes glowing. Some were in groups, others were in pairs, no one was alone, but me. I saw him dance with her, their arms around each other. They looked so happy together. Now to think of it they made a beautiful couple. But then again, he makes a beautiful couple with anyone. He furnishes them like a golden vase in an empty room, or a blue rose on a thorn.

Roses die! I watched him leave her to go outside. He didn’t return for a while. Later, I saw him walk in again, looking around like a knight who’d lost his shield. I imagined he was looking for her, hunting her down the way he had once hunted me. I knew what would happen if he found her. He would embrace her and dance with her like the night would never end. But the sun would rise and when it set again on the morrow, she would be standing here where I was, on the top deck.

She would be watching him like I was watching him now, wondering how it feels not to care for anyone but himself, to go through his days like a wave, caressing every rock in his way and moving on. Wondering how it feels, to make the stars cry and not feel the rain.

That’s the problem with beautiful people. When they smile they look like they are in love because their eyes glow. Perhaps it’s not just the beauty, perhaps it’s the darkness too. It makes everyone beautiful because it hides the deceit in their eyes and the slyness in their smiles. The noise drowns the mockery in their laugh and covers the truth of their hearts. I watched the young men standing in front of the curtain, seven or eight of them. I watched him go to greet them. They were friends! Of course they were friends. Birds of the same feather flock together.

He took his place in the line as the eighth or ninth member. They stood there, like hunters sharpening their arrows. Who were to be the hunted? Not me! I was standing on the top deck observing from a distance safe enough to never be prey. Someone tapped me on my shoulder and thought they should say hello. My God! They were everywhere!

I was home at 3 and was up by 8. The first thing I did was to write to you.

Dear Anthony

Can’t you see that the stars are weeping?
Set me free so I can feel the rain.